Wishing Well

Up

2005-10-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

Thoughts pouring clear
spitting them out
rush rush rush
never slow back down
hanging on for the ride
singing a song
my heart is beating
to the drum of my head
no need to sleep
not now

Failing

2005-10-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

137 people took the exam, an exam designed to "certify" that you were trained. What this means really is that we sat through a presentation, completed "action assignments" accordingly, listened to lecture and then the test. The test was open book and open note and only two people failed ...... I being one of them.

I was not surprised. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't read and my head was pounding. I dont know why or what happened but I failed. My manager will be thrilled when she is notified it has been her goal to prove that I am stupid, guess she has succeeded.

Worthless

Perfect Blades of Grass

2005-09-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh. Crisp air. Deep breath, my mind slowed down for a minute to enjoy a the day. Tension slipped from my neck as I walked a bit. The edge of the building anyway.

Dark glass windows wrapped around the corner, inside are offices ....
Cubed gray boxes to sit in and earn your pay.
Stacked inside 4 high, same shape, same color, same stale shade of grey.
Floors divide, each one by one, but "they" are perfectly placed.

I imagined, 2 droopy eyes gazing out from the confinement of their miserable life. Are they placed to watch for the strays that leave early for the day or return from lunch a bit late?

I turned around, back out of sight and counted the small perfectly round bushes, lining the corner, there were eight.

I looked at down at the grass. Not a weed in sight. Not a single strand out of place. I walked further, none faded nor discolored, each one appeared perfectly placed.

Still looking, eventually, spotting a broadleaf sqeezing in between the blades. A weed yet the color was the same. A deep blue-green, not to be noticed and or spreading it stayed. Quiet, the broadleaf's life must be, not growing to big, but enjoying the food and water as the blades do each day. Maybe I saw one or two more hiding out, for now, that is.
Till they clean the place.

Then a burst from the door like a head of a pimple, bright red she wore a foreigner, a woman, a weed was sqeezed from the corporate face.

I have taken the elevator with her a few times, I don't know her name. She has a daughter in college, is that why she stays? I know this from a 30 second ride in the elevator, I always ask about her day.

I pushed my hands on the cold brass rail of the spotless revolving doors. They turned and I put my hand on the glass....
They didn't leave a spot, not a trace.

As I looked up, the usual "How are you?" "Beautiful Day" greetings are spoken from a well behaved Light Skinned Black Woman at the front desk.

She knows everybody's name. She is paid to sit and keep her place.

She has a replacement..... a light skinned Black Woman. Will they notice, when she's gone? Her hair is turning bits of gray.

She wont leave a spot, not a trace.

Big Brass elevator doors open to carry me high...

But I turned and wondered through a sea of perfectly white starched shirts buttoned up and tight around the pale white face, the ties, well groomed hair the stinch of shit, they hide their true face. No facial hair, and belts required all groomed the same.
Sick at my stomach, I dont want to die amongst these perfect blades.

There is something seriously WRONG here.

2005-09-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am seriously sick about this. I just browsed the AP Reuters, CNN and a few other photo sites then I read this ... most photos are of the poor, elderly, disabled, destruction and the army is at combat with these people. Several photos show the searches of children or battered victums and the collected weapons? A hammer, peanut butter, tennis shoes, and bats. What the FUCK.

Troops begin combat operations in New Orleans

By Joseph R. Chenelly
Times staff writer

NEW ORLEANS — Combat operations are underway on the streets “to take this city back” in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

“This place is going to look like Little Somalia,” Brig. Gen. Gary Jones, commander of the Louisiana National Guard’s Joint Task Force told Army Times Friday as hundreds of armed troops under his charge prepared to launch a massive citywide security mission from a staging area outside the Louisiana Superdome. “We’re going to go out and take this city back. This will be a combat operation to get this city under control.”

Jones said the military first needs to establish security throughout the city. Military and police officials have said there are several large areas of the city are in a full state of anarchy.

Dozens of military trucks and up-armored Humvees left the staging area just after 11 a.m. Friday, while hundreds more troops arrived at the same staging area in the city via Black Hawk and Chinook helicopters.

“We’re here to do whatever they need us to do,” Sgt. 1st Class Ron Dixon, of the Oklahoma National Guard’s 1345th Transportation Company. “We packed to stay as long as it takes.”

While some fight the insurgency in the city, other carry on with rescue and evacuation operations. Helicopters are still pulling hundreds of stranded people from rooftops of flooded homes.

Army, Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps, Coast Guard and police helicopters filled the city sky Friday morning. Most had armed soldiers manning the doors. According to Petty Officer 3rd Class Jeremy Grishamn, a spokesman for the amphibious assault ship Bataan, the vessel kept its helicopters at sea Thursday night after several military helicopters reported being shot at from the ground.

Numerous soldiers also told Army Times that they have been shot at by armed civilians in New Orleans. Spokesmen for the Joint Task Force Headquarters at the Superdome were unaware of any servicemen being wounded in the streets, although one soldier is recovering from a gunshot wound sustained during a struggle with a civilian in the dome Wednesday night.

“I never thought that at a National Guardsman I would be shot at by other Americans,” said Spc. Philip Baccus of the 527th Engineer Battalion. “And I never thought I’d have to carry a rifle when on a hurricane relief mission. This is a disgrace.”

Spc. Cliff Ferguson of the 527th Engineer Battalion pointed out that he knows there are plenty of decent people in New Orleans, but he said it is hard to stay motivated considering the circumstances.

“This is making a lot of us think about not reenlisting.” Ferguson said. “You have to think about whether it is worth risking your neck for someone who will turn around and shoot at you. We didn’t come here to fight a war. We came here to help.”

Meditations (1835)

2005-08-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

POETRY
ALL the world over, I wonder, in lands that I never have trod,
Are the people eternally seeking for the signs and steps of a God?
Westward across the ocean, and Northward across the snow,
Do they all stand gazing, as ever, and what do the wisest know?

Here, in this mystical India, the deities hover and swarm
Like the wild bees heard in the treetops, or the gusts of a gathering storm;
In the air men hear their voices, their feet on the rocks are seen,
Yet we all say, “Whence is the message, and what may the wonders mean?”

A million shrines stand open, and ever the censer swings,
As they bow to a mystic symbol, or the figures of ancient kings;
And the incense rises ever, and rises the endless cry
Of those who are heavy laden, and of cowards loth to die.

For the Destiny drives us together, like deer in a pass of the hills;
Above is the sky, and around us the sound of the shot that kills;
Push’d by a power we see not, and struck by a hand unknown,
We pray to the trees for shelter, and press our lips to a stone.

The trees wave a shadowy answer, and the rock frowns hollow and grim,
And the form and the nod of the demon are caught in the twilight dim;
And we look to the sunlight falling afar on the mountain crest,—
Is there never a path runs upward to a refuge there and a rest?

The path, ah! who has shown it, and which is the faithful guide?
The haven, ah! who has known it? for steep is the mountain side,
Forever the shot strikes surely, and ever the wasted breath
Of the praying multitude rises, whose answer is only death.

Here are the tombs of my kinsfolk, the fruit of an ancient name,
Chiefs who were slain on the war-field, and women who died in flame;
They are gods, these kings of the foretime, they are spirits who guard our race:
Ever I watch and worship; they sit with a marble face.

And the myriad idols around me, and the legion of muttering priests,
The revels and rites unholy, the dark unspeakable feasts!
What have they wrung from the Silence? Hath even a whisper come
Of the secret, Whence and Whither? Alas! for the gods are dumb.

Shall I list to the word of English, who come from the uttermost sea?
“The Secret, hath it been told you, and what is your message to me?”
It is nought but the wide-world story how the earth and the heavens began,
How the gods are glad and angry, and a Deity once was man.

I had thought, “Perchance in the cities where the rulers of India dwell,
Whose orders flash from the far land, who girdle the earth with a spell,
They have fathom’d the depths we float on, or measur’d the unknown main—”
Sadly they turn from the venture, and say that the quest is vain.

Is life, then, a dream and delusion, and where shall the dreamer awake?
Is the world seen like shadows on water, and what if the mirror break?
Shall it pass as a camp that is struck, as a tent that is gathered and gone
From the sands that were lamp-lit at eve, and at morning are level and lone?

Is there nought in the heaven above, whence the hail and the levin are hurl’d,
But the wind that is swept around us by the rush of the rolling world?
The wind that shall scatter my ashes, and bear me to silence and sleep
With the dirge, and the sounds of lamenting, and voices of women who weep.

Being wrong

2005-08-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

About the nature of people. I want to believe in the goodness of people. I want to believe in forgiveness and love. Everyday I wake up and sit in solitude, time to remind myself we are one and it is a new day. I will face the day with a good heart.

Then I get to work and ....

Souvenier Gifts were distributed from my boss .... well, except for me. That doesnt bother me personally, but it is trashing up my mind. The "why" part anyway. ahhhh I am confused.

Then the screwed up lunch, when my boss says "Hey guys somebody can ride with me", I didnt hear the offer.

As we walked outside and the head count indicated somebody needed to ride with her, who was already across the parking lot. I hurried her way and asked if I could ride with her, only to be told "She had errands afterwards, and I really needed to get back and finish the project". I didnt go. I have sold myself. I should not be in this environment. My heart has so much more to offer, I have alot to offer. I dont fit in.

The ride home was a sad mental beating.

These things bring me down and they are not my problem - but day in day out - they continue. Tomarrow, I will again look at her as a good person and I will treat her with kindness. I will wait this out.

Im back

2005-08-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

Formally two other blogs. I deleted them. Here I am again, it is more of a type of therapy then anything else. I suppose it helps to tell somebody .... the notepad.

I can keep track of my mood swings here.

I can cry here.

I can complain here.

I can ponder my thoughts all right here ... just for the heck of it.

In fact it would be a good way to rate my days, average the overall quality of my life as I percieve it to be, do something about it. Log how many days I hate my job ... give me the courage to quit.

Whatever this becomes it is for me.